A Lesson from Gay Men
This has got to change: straight women report fewer orgasms per sexual encounter than any other group — straight men, homosexual or bi men, and gay or bisexual women. This is according to a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2017. Following the release of this provocative study, hundreds of articles appeared in the mainstream press to explain this so-called orgasm gap.
Some of the advice that floated around the internet in the wake of this study boiled down to the suggestion that in heterosexual relationships, a man should delay his orgasm until the woman has hers. “She comes first!” they declared. Let’s unpack that. There’s an overlooked implication in there that as soon as a man comes, sex is over.
Granted, men have a much stronger refractory period than women do, and some men are very nearly incapacitated by oxytocin post-orgasm.
We’ve all seen the scenes in movies where the men roll over and immediately go to sleep after orgasming, the woman staring at the ceiling. Usually she meets her true love in the next scene, right? But I have to ask, if this is just what women have to put up with from men because of the way they are wired (so you better get yours first), what do gay men do?
You’ve got 2 men having sex and one has an orgasm and falls dead asleep… the other does what?
Take a closer look at the orgasm gap from the study. It details how often people have an orgasm in a typical sexual encounter, according to survey questions: heterosexual men, 95%, gay men, 89%; bisexual men 88%; lesbian women, 86%; and bisexual women, 66% and heterosexual women at the bottom at 65%.
Notice that homosexual men are having fewer orgasms when they are having sex with men (89%), than heterosexual men are having with women (95%). Why would that be?
I wonder if there is a difference in the way homosexual men treat the refractory period. Presumably gay men also confront the issue of desiring an orgasm after their partner has reached climax and fallen asleep.
I conducted an informal survey among homosexual men on Reddit and GayForum and got a few very interesting responses. Here is a representative comment: “The refractory period is definitely a real thing and the impact is stronger in some men than others. I’m definitely a roll over and fall asleep immediately type. I’d say it’s extremely common for gay men to be responsible for their own orgasms. It’s really common for one person to come and then the other either not come or finish themselves off. In a relationship, it’s pretty common to sort of trade off who that is.”
It may be that in sex between homosexual men it is common for one partner to masturbate themselves to orgasm after the other has reached climax, or tacitly agreed to forego orgasm this time, knowing it will be their turn next time.
Another man stated: “Usually I can go more than once, but my husband goes down hard after finishing. So we usually deal with me first, then him, and if I’m still up for it, I can go again with minimal help from him.”
Consider that “go again with minimal help from him” — it sounds like the writer is masturbating and his partner is aiding with some form of auxiliary stimulation. This sounds like excellent advice to give to a woman who is unsatisfied after intercourse with a man who is then unable to continue stimulation: give yourself an orgasm while the man watches or assists.
Or after the woman orgasms, if she feels like snuggling down and enjoying the afterglow, maybe she should could tell the guy, catch you next time, bro.
Sooo many articles focus on encouraging women to be more communicative to a partner about how he can “give” her an orgasm (that’s the vernacular — ugh!), and encouraging men to do more of the activities that lead to orgasms for women (which is great advice).
How about let’s encourage women be more like homosexual men — take responsibility for our own pleasure, and stimulate ourselves to orgasm if a man has orgasmed and is relatively incapacitated or newly uninterested.
Perhaps in the process, men would learn what satisfies women through observation, become more accepting of sexually-empowered women, realize the benefits of taking turns, and potentially even become more highly-motivated to assist. Let’s bring our own numbers up, ladies, and close that orgasm gap!