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Get Empowered by Your Sexual Values

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Get Empowered by Your Values 

Do you want to be sexually self-empowered? It helps to know both what you want - and why you want it. The Graphic Sex Project gives you the tools to find your personal pleasure code -  the perfect sexual process that unlocks your way to satisfaction and fulfillment. It’s more than all the right moves. It’s the moves that satisfy both your body and your values.

Sure, you know you like going down on your partner, for instance. What values could that be satisfying for you? Generosity, power, skillfulness, creativity, fun, control, selflessness, pleasure, vulnerability, enthusiasm… what else? Do any of those jump out at you? That might be one of your sexual values. 

Say you like your partner to watch you masturbate. What value might that be satisfying? Openness? Self-revelation? Honesty? Intimacy? Exhibitionism? Mastery?

When you can tie your desires for specific sexual activities to broader values, you empower yourself advocate for what you want. It’s not just “touch my clit” because it feels good - it’s “touch my clit” because I value my pleasure, I value having a giving partner, I value opening myself to you, I value focusing my attention, I value selfishness, I value reciprocity.

What are Values?

Values are freely-chosen reflections of the things you care about.  When we behave in accordance with our values, we tend to have greater well-being and more connection. That is true of all aspects of your life -- your sexual life as well!

Take a look at this graph, created at a live Graphic Sex Project installation.

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She lists the things that add to her enjoyment of sex: Red is partner spends time talking to me; Pink is partner cuddles and doesn’t rush; yellow is partner looks into my eyes; green is partner makes sure I cum; orange is partner is dominant and makes me feel wanted; blue is partner doesn’t go on phone; black is cuddles after and kisses; and brown is doesn’t go to bed right after.

Finding the Values

This is a window into her sexual values and shows tremendous self-awareness.  She knows not only that she likes to cuddle, but WHY she likes to cuddle.

It’s important that her partner spends time talking to her and cuddling without her feeling rushed. It may be that she values connection, and those activities make her feel connected. The connection is what adds to her enjoyment.

Notice that she says that her partner making sure she orgasms is something that adds to her enjoyment. She isn’t saying that orgasming adds to her enjoyment (although it no doubt does!) she is saying that her partner’s attentiveness to her orgasm adds to her enjoyment. So she values reciprocal selflessness and generosity.

The deep eye-gazing may be a connection value also, or possibly she values empathy, or inner harmony, or love, or belonging. When the activity contributes to a value, that is the path to sexual self-actualization.

 

Try Your Own

Download my sexual values worksheet from the link below, and take a few minutes to think about what matters to you… and how your preferred sexual activities align with those values.

 

GSP Values Worksheet

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Looking, Inspecting, Noticing

Pre-Sex Inspection and OM 

Here's a pretty graph, made at one of my workshops by 23 year old queer female. Isn't it interesting that it starts out with Inspection? I'm not totally sure what she means by that. It could be inspection to determine if the person's genitals look STI-free: but that is not at all a reliable way to do it. Much better to go ahead and ask them. A pre-sex safe-sex discussion is always a good idea, letting each other know when you were last tested.

Or is inspection just a moment to really look at each other, admire each other's equipment, a way to say "I see you," an acknowledgement?

This is done in the technique of orgasmic meditation, which is worth reading more about if your interests include both meditation and sex.  One person strokes the clitoris of another person for 15 minutes, in one very specific way: on the upper-left quadrant in an up and down motion with the pressure you would use stroking an eyelid. That's it. After 15 minutes the experience is over. Healthline has a good description of the practice and why people do it (hint: because it's meditative).

There's a very specific series of steps (which the creators, One Taste, call "non-negotiable). After the building of the "nest," and assuming a very specific position in relation to each other, the "stroker" puts their hands on the "strokee's thighs and does the "noticing step" as follows:  "The noticing step consists of a one or two sentence value-neutral (in terms of shape, color, location, texture, etc) physical description of some aspect of the strokee’s genitals. The etiquette is simply for the strokee to acknowledge this observation by saying “thank you” afterwards." (From One Taste website)

That might not be at all what Laura meant by inspection, but I think it's worth thinking about the noticing and the inspection. You might also call it witnessing. Witnessing the other person's humanity, their body, their beauty, exactly as they are before you in this moment. It's a way of bringing yourself into this moment with this other person, a kind of ritualistic way of beginning. You are here now. I am here now. Let us begin.