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50 graphs to make

THINGS TO MAKE A GRAPH ABOUT 

Graph-making idea # 74

What should I make a graph about?

You can make a graph of anything. Why is it useful? Because it’s a really different way of looking at aspects of your life, in a way that you don’t normally do. It may seem wonky, but it can be a refreshing perspective on a complicated, and emotional, topic.

Making a graph makes you to think about the things you value. When you live according to your values, you are more at peace, centered. But what are your values? They are the things that are important to you. In the sexual realm they may be things like: feeling loved, being in touch with your body, expressing your feelings, being in control, being out of control, releasing tension, showing care. While you are making a graph, think about what you do during sex, and what you want out of sex. Ideally, these are the same things! 

A graph can be like a timeline of activities, where more cubes means more time spent on that activity. Or it can be more like a bar graph, where you are comparing how much you value certain things. Your graph can be anyway you want it, as long as it’s meaningful to you.

You can make a graph online on the graph-making tool or you can order supplies to make your graph by hand for a more tactile experience. Here are some ideas for things you might want to make a graph about:

Fifty Graph Ideas

  1. Your favorite sexual activities – rank them!
  2. Things that turn you off
  3. A long, leisurely sexual experience
  4. A quickie
  5. How you like to be stimulated
  6. Your masturbation routine
  7. An experience you didn’t like that much
  8. A fantasy you might like to try
  9. A fantasy you don’t want to try
  10. An experience where you just receive pleasure
  11. An experience where you just give pleasure
  12. Aspects of your sexual self
  13. A good sexual memory
  14. How your sex life has changed over time
  15. Categories of sexual partners you’ve had
  16. Fluctuations in your level of desire
  17. A typical sexual “flow” 
  18. A sexual experience you regret
  19. The last time you had sex
  20. How to make you come
  21. Morning sex
  22. How you give oral – your technique
  23. Your sexual skills
  24. Your first sexual experience – what happened?
  25. First time with a new partner
  26. The build-up to sex over the course of a day
  27. Things that get you in the mood
  28. How you like to be wooed
  29. Your sensual self-care routine
  30. Your after care requirements
  31. What is important to you about sex
  32. What is important to you about your sexuality
  33. An aspect of your sexual history
  34. Your partner’s best technique
  35. Where your mind goes during sex
  36. Your erogenous zones
  37. Your partner’s favorite sexual flow
  38. What makes you feel loved
  39. Places you’ve had sex
  40. A role play scenario
  41. How you like to be touched
  42. How you like to be kissed
  43. Your lovers, ranked
  44. Your sexual foreplay
  45. Your flirting technique
  46. What adds to your enjoyment
  47. What is kink to you
  48. What you plan to do tonight
  49. What you want your partner to do to you
  50. What you want to do to your partner
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Get Empowered by Your Sexual Values

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Get Empowered by Your Values 

Do you want to be sexually self-empowered? It helps to know both what you want – and why you want it. The Graphic Sex Project gives you the tools to find your personal pleasure code –  the perfect sexual process that unlocks your way to satisfaction and fulfillment. It’s more than all the right moves. It’s the moves that satisfy both your body and your values.

Sure, you know you like going down on your partner, for instance. What values could that be satisfying for you? Generosity, power, skillfulness, creativity, fun, control, selflessness, pleasure, vulnerability, enthusiasm… what else? Do any of those jump out at you? That might be one of your sexual values. 

Say you like your partner to watch you masturbate. What value might that be satisfying? Openness? Self-revelation? Honesty? Intimacy? Exhibitionism? Mastery?

When you can tie your desires for specific sexual activities to broader values, you empower yourself advocate for what you want. It’s not just “touch my clit” because it feels good – it’s “touch my clit” because I value my pleasure, I value having a giving partner, I value opening myself to you, I value focusing my attention, I value selfishness, I value reciprocity.

What are Values?

Values are freely-chosen reflections of the things you care about.  When we behave in accordance with our values, we tend to have greater well-being and more connection. That is true of all aspects of your life — your sexual life as well!

Take a look at this graph, created at a live Graphic Sex Project installation.

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She lists the things that add to her enjoyment of sex: Red is partner spends time talking to me; Pink is partner cuddles and doesn’t rush; yellow is partner looks into my eyes; green is partner makes sure I cum; orange is partner is dominant and makes me feel wanted; blue is partner doesn’t go on phone; black is cuddles after and kisses; and brown is doesn’t go to bed right after.

Finding the Values

This is a window into her sexual values and shows tremendous self-awareness.  She knows not only that she likes to cuddle, but WHY she likes to cuddle.

It’s important that her partner spends time talking to her and cuddling without her feeling rushed. It may be that she values connection, and those activities make her feel connected. The connection is what adds to her enjoyment.

Notice that she says that her partner making sure she orgasms is something that adds to her enjoyment. She isn’t saying that orgasming adds to her enjoyment (although it no doubt does!) she is saying that her partner’s attentiveness to her orgasm adds to her enjoyment. So she values reciprocal selflessness and generosity.

The deep eye-gazing may be a connection value also, or possibly she values empathy, or inner harmony, or love, or belonging. When the activity contributes to a value, that is the path to sexual self-actualization.

 

Try Your Own

Download my sexual values worksheet from the link below, and take a few minutes to think about what matters to you… and how your preferred sexual activities align with those values.

 

GSP Values Worksheet

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Fifty Things to Spice Things Up

Fifty Things to Spice Things Up

In my last post I wrote about how using the power of the placebo effect, plus attention and intention, can help you jump start flagging desire.  Notice “wild card” in pink in the graph above? It’s the wild card that always keeps things interesting!

Trying new things together with the intention to make your sex life better, is the point – it doesn’t even matter so much WHAT you try. It’s the trying that can work the magic.

So you want to try some stuff but need ideas?  Here’s a list!

1 .  Shop for sex toys together online

2 .  Be excited about their arrival, and then play with them

3 .  Watch porn together – explore the wide variety of ethically-produced porn (porn tip: if it’s free it’s terrible)

4 .  If you usually have sex with the lights on or off, switch it up

5 .  Set a timer for 10 minutes and agree to stop when it goes off, even if no one has climaxed

6 .  Share fantasies

7 .  Listen to audio porn during sex

8 .  Smoke pot

9 .  Make a sex video

10 . Get tied up

11 . Tie up your partner

12 . Try a 30 day masturbation challenge – no sex, but daily masturbation

13 . If you usually fantasize during sex, try not fantasizing 

14 . If you never fantasize during sex, try it

15 . Make a date to have sex

16 . Invent a pre-sex ritual together

17 . Set a goal to have sex in every room of your house

18 . Have a totally selfish session – all pleasure for just one person. The other only gives. Take turns

19 . Watch a video about Orgasmic Meditation and try it

20 . Try to make the other person climax while they read aloud from their favorite book

21 . Find a place to have sex outside

22 . Read erotica to each other

23 . Find a marriage counselor to talk about your sex life

24 . Go to a sex tips workshop

25 . Comparison shop for better lube

26 . Explore more anal stimulation

27 . Try using gloves for a new sensation

28 . Explore goingn to a sex club

29 . Write a profile together on a swinger website, just for fun. Or for reals

30 . Play with the Magnetic Graphic Sex Project and set up some scenarios to follow

31 . Sext 

32 . Buy a remote controlled bullet, and wear it on a night out

33 . Commit to thinking about sex and being aware of your genitals at least 3x a day

34 . Read a book together on improving your sex life and compare notes

35 . Hire a boudoir photographer to take sexy pictures of you together

36 . Commit to only having sex with your eyes open

37 . Get the Kama Sutra and try each position

38 . Buy a flogger and use it

39 . Sign up for a rope typing course

40 . Make out in the car

41 . Explore some herbal remedies

42 . Do more Kegels, and think specifically about sex when you do them (people of all genitalia type can benefit from kegels)

43 . Try to find someone for a threesome – just the looking is fun

44 . Have a threesome

45 . Watch each other masturbate

46 . Pretend to pick each other up in a bar

47 . Go away for a weekend and make no plans except sex

48 . Block out a chunk of time for super slow sex

49 . Get a strap-on, whatever your current equipment

50.  Sign up for a tantric yoga course together

All of these things involve 7 important steps that create attention and intention, to improve your sex life:

  1. Thinking about it
  2. Suggesting it to your partner
  3. Talking about it with your partner
  4. Deciding to together to try it
  5. Preparing to try it
  6. Trying it
  7. Talking about what it was like.

Regardless of whether the thing itself was subjectively good for you (maybe you start doing it all the time, maybe now you know you NEVER want that again), all that attention and connection and communication with your partner is highly likely to positively effect your sex life and level of desire, for both of you.